Grateful for My Inadequacy

For the last several months, I've felt hollow. Most of my smiles felt empty, much of my laughter ungenuine. If someone had pursued a deep conversation with me, I would have had nothing to say because I only went about three inches deep before the emptiness ensued. I combated it to the best of my ability. I knew exactly what was wrong with me, and for the first time in my life recognized a glimpse of the psalmist's emotions when he cried out in shame before God. Any love He may have had for me I was no longer worthy of, because how could I face Him with such a rotted soul? I staved it off as best as I could. I mentally rebuked myself until tears were just beneath my smile and cried out to God that if He could just build a wall from far away so He wouldn't contaminate Himself, then I could push against the storm by myself and be worthy of Him again. I yearned to feel needed somewhere so I would have worth again. I knew that theoretically, God loves me, that He looks past my imperfections to see the blood of His Son, but the gap between the theory and the practicality was increasingly wide. I even knew how to fix the problem -- read my Bible, get reacquainted with Him, remind myself of His compassion. I still haven't finished Psalms, because for all my desperateness I still can't remind myself to be faithful in reading my Bible. But two nights ago, I went with my mom and aunt to a ladies' seminar where my mom was speaking. As she spoke, I realized that my own mother struggled too, and had felt just as empty and exhausted as I did. I quickly and repeatedly wiped tears away from my eyes, hoping no one notice, because the walls I built up between myself and God cracked. They didn't all come tumbling down in a moment, but suddenly a fissure opened up as my God's words through my mom penetrated and slowly, surely, the dam is breaking. Pent up aloofness, self-frustration, and loneliness are being released and slowly, surely, being replaced with... grace. It's something I haven't felt in way too long, but something I'd forgotten my dependency on. I'd forgotten how beautiful it was, and had only remembered how undeserving I was of it. And the best part is, I'm only remembering a taste.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now am found

Was blind, but now I see